Often times I find myself remembering the past. I think about the life I lived, and how I lived it. Those experiences that morphed me into the person that stands here today. As much as I wanted to believe that what I experienced growing up did not define who I was today, deep down I knew it not to be true. The sad reality is that what we go through, what we experience growing up does have an affect on us. For reasons I won't state right now, I experience a few difficulties in my life. At least I believe them to be few. I wanted so badly to believe that the problems I face now were not because of past experiences. I wanted to believe I was above them, that I had control over the person I was. Control of my feelings, my actions, my thoughts. There are things that lurk deeper in my mind that I'm yet to confront. Maybe some day I'll speak of them, because if I've learned anything it's that suppressing thoughts and feelings without speaking of them only make the problem worse. This is why I love keeping track of my thoughts, call me crazy but having conversations with myself help. It truly does help me resolve many of my inner conflicts. I have overcame many over the course of 4 years. Sometimes you wish things would progress much quicker, but I've learned not to be too harsh on myself and take things slow.I would repeat to myself "I could die today or tomorrow, my death can come any day. Is this how I want to live my life? Is this who I truly am?"The way I came to see it, is that happiness is a state of mind not a goal. I changed my outlook, the way I perceived life and experiences, found my resolve. This isn't something you can change from one day to the next, it takes time. I always accepted myself but I couldn't accept that who I was, was based on past experiences. I changed that which would interfere with my life. I accepted parts of myself I knew that could never change. Then there were those pieces of myself which I saw no need to change. Pieces that were a big part of who I was, things that were natural to me.Sometimes we question things we already contain the answers to. I know I'm always questioning myself.
I'm aware this doesn't apply for everybody, some people may not be as affected and some may not even be aware that their internal self was impacted at all. I've come to accept that who I am may be a product of the things I had to deal with as a child. They may have greatly affect my choices, my personality, my internal self but I also have a say on who I am. I have the ability to choose. At least to some extent I get to choose for myself, I have the power to change.
