Change

I dealt with depression for a very long time. Well maybe not so long but 4 years easily felt like 10. I'm glad I managed to get past it. Or so that's what I tell myself and hope to be true. One things for sure, my new found happiness certainly feels very real. I've been able to look at life positively even when faced with very negative experiences and happenings in my life. It's something I never knew I'd be capable of. For the past 3 years my life has changed dramatically - even when not much has changed - because most of the change happened within me. It truly is wonderful. 

We All Are Puzzles

 Often times we try try fit each other or ourselves into a box. How can we, if we are not one piece but many pieces. A puzzle contains all these pieces and when brought together as a whole creates an image. Each and every piece represents a part of ourselves, and together creates the human we are. 

Idea of love

 So many people want to love and be loved. Love can be beautifully painful sometimes. I've been in love. So in love with a person it was painful. Painful they didn't return that love. It's only a wonderful thing when that whom you love, loves you in return. Why do we love the person we love? What about them do we desire? Why do we wish for them to return that love? Why does it make our hearts race when we're near them, when we lay our eyes on them, when we hear their voice or feel their touch. 

I feel like I'm always running around in circles when it comes to love. I've been in love, but the people I've loved have never been in love with me, and the people that love me, I don't love. Unrequited love, never ending! 

I don't need it, I don't pursue it. There never really has been that strong desire within me for affection or companionship. Most of my life I've been a very solitary person. Being alone just feels so blissful. Even though being in a relationship with the one you are in love with is such a wonderful experience, I don't fear not finding someone who I can share that connection with. 

There's a part of me that doesn't understand why some people seek love so desperately. Why do they need to cling on to a person and depend on them for happiness? Why do they need constant love and affection? Even when the person they love doesn't express those feelings, or treats them so harshly. I've witnessed people I care about suffer so much in the hands of the person who claims to love them. It can be very frustrating, you wish they had the willpower to move on. Do they not realize it's no longer love?

I Have Changed

I was just reading through my blog since I haven't been to it in a while. In one of my posts I said that to cease to exist after death is what I'd prefer. After so many years of suffering all you wish at a certain point is for everything to stop. To stop your emotions, your thoughts, to stop feeling. You want nothing more than to finally rest, to fall into a sleep without dreams or fantasies. From that time to now I have changed.