Overcoming My Childhood Experiences

Often times I find myself remembering the past. I think about the life I lived, and how I lived it. Those experiences that morphed me into the person that stands here today. As much as I wanted to believe that what I experienced growing up did not define who I was today, deep down I knew it not to be true. The sad reality is that what we go through, what we experience growing up does have an affect on us. For reasons I won't state right now, I experience a few difficulties in my life. At least I believe them to be few. I wanted so badly to believe that the problems I face now were not because of past experiences. I wanted to believe I was above them, that I had control over the person I was. Control of my feelings, my actions, my thoughts. There are things that lurk deeper in my mind that I'm yet to confront. Maybe some day I'll speak of them, because if I've learned anything it's that suppressing thoughts and feelings without speaking of them only make the problem worse. This is why I love keeping track of my thoughts, call me crazy but having conversations with myself help. It truly does help me resolve many of my inner conflicts. I have overcame many over the course of 4 years. Sometimes you wish things would progress much quicker, but I've learned not to be too harsh on myself and take things slow.I would repeat to myself "I could die today or tomorrow, my death can come any day. Is this how I want to live my life? Is this who I truly am?"The way I came to see it, is that happiness is a state of mind not a goal. I changed my outlook, the way I perceived life and experiences, found my resolve. This isn't something you can change from one day to the next, it takes time. I always accepted myself but I couldn't accept that who I was, was based on past experiences. I changed that which would interfere with my life. I accepted parts of myself I knew that could never change. Then there were those pieces of myself which I saw no need to change. Pieces that were a big part of who I was, things that were natural to me.Sometimes we question things we already contain the answers to. I know I'm always questioning myself. 

I'm aware this doesn't apply for everybody, some people may not be as affected and some may not even be aware that their internal self was impacted at all. I've come to accept that who I am may be a product of the things I had to deal with as a child. They may have greatly affect my choices, my personality, my internal self but I also have a say on who I am. I have the ability to choose. At least to some extent I get to choose for myself, I have the power to change. 

Change

I dealt with depression for a very long time. Well maybe not so long but 4 years easily felt like 10. I'm glad I managed to get past it. Or so that's what I tell myself and hope to be true. One things for sure, my new found happiness certainly feels very real. I've been able to look at life positively even when faced with very negative experiences and happenings in my life. It's something I never knew I'd be capable of. For the past 3 years my life has changed dramatically - even when not much has changed - because most of the change happened within me. It truly is wonderful. 

We All Are Puzzles

 Often times we try try fit each other or ourselves into a box. How can we, if we are not one piece but many pieces. A puzzle contains all these pieces and when brought together as a whole creates an image. Each and every piece represents a part of ourselves, and together creates the human we are. 

Idea of love

 So many people want to love and be loved. Love can be beautifully painful sometimes. I've been in love. So in love with a person it was painful. Painful they didn't return that love. It's only a wonderful thing when that whom you love, loves you in return. Why do we love the person we love? What about them do we desire? Why do we wish for them to return that love? Why does it make our hearts race when we're near them, when we lay our eyes on them, when we hear their voice or feel their touch. 

I feel like I'm always running around in circles when it comes to love. I've been in love, but the people I've loved have never been in love with me, and the people that love me, I don't love. Unrequited love, never ending! 

I don't need it, I don't pursue it. There never really has been that strong desire within me for affection or companionship. Most of my life I've been a very solitary person. Being alone just feels so blissful. Even though being in a relationship with the one you are in love with is such a wonderful experience, I don't fear not finding someone who I can share that connection with. 

There's a part of me that doesn't understand why some people seek love so desperately. Why do they need to cling on to a person and depend on them for happiness? Why do they need constant love and affection? Even when the person they love doesn't express those feelings, or treats them so harshly. I've witnessed people I care about suffer so much in the hands of the person who claims to love them. It can be very frustrating, you wish they had the willpower to move on. Do they not realize it's no longer love?

I Have Changed

I was just reading through my blog since I haven't been to it in a while. In one of my posts I said that to cease to exist after death is what I'd prefer. After so many years of suffering all you wish at a certain point is for everything to stop. To stop your emotions, your thoughts, to stop feeling. You want nothing more than to finally rest, to fall into a sleep without dreams or fantasies. From that time to now I have changed. 

Dreary But Not Joyless

I had stopped blogging for quite a while and I didn't believe I'd return. My thoughts on here may sound dreary and joyless but life can sometimes be as such. It does not mean my life in no way is not full of joy. Truthfully I don't think I have ever felt such happiness as I have these past two years even with all that goes on around me. It really does depend on how you perceive the world around you. Your reaction to the action sort to speak. I've had my fare share of struggles in my life so far, just as any other person. Even now I struggle but with a new outlook on life. One that keeps me motivated and going. 

Normality

Normality can easily break. With just a few spoken words the world before our eyes can fall apart. All our efforts to maintain what we have obtained can easily come undone. Everyday we strive for normality, we try so hard to keep the world around us intact. Sometimes going as far as to close or minds and hearts. Fearing loss of control. The words we wield, the power to control. To create or break. 

We see the world before us as it twists and turns.