Depression and Suicide

I'm not sure how terrible it was, but I'm guessing pretty bad if I saw death as the only way out. It slowly crept onto me til it overshadowed my mind. Everyday was a struggle to get up and go about daily life. Most of the time I wanted nothing more than to keep my eyes closed and stay in a never ending darkness.  That was the only time I felt at peace. The only place my senses were turned off. I didn't have to see, hear, feel, or think. The closest I could get to death itself. It got to the point where I felt no joy from anything. No longer did anything keep my interest. My passions, my interests, my life all left on the side. Then it just kept getting worse. I never wanted to get out of bed, to open my eyes and wake onto the world outside my dreams. I'd go to school come home and sleep, wake up, go to school, come home and sleep. So repetitive, day by day. Interaction with my family wouldn't happen often. I mostly spent it sleeping, sometimes not even eating and just sleeping. Waking up only when morning came to go to school. My family knew something was wrong with me, it was pretty obvious. They would sometimes ask me what was wrong but I always said "I'm OK" "I'm fine" "Nothings wrong". I didn't want to speak of it, I wanted no one to bother me. My family irritated me. All I wanted was to be left alone. I don't remember how long it went on but then one night I could no longer continue and chose to take my life. 

I remember standing at the edge of the sidewalk, rocking back and forth. My decision had been made, choice of death was to jump in front of moving car.  It was Halloween night, I was walking with my friends down the streets. I had thrown a small gathering for only my closest friends. I doubt they noticed anything was wrong. That whole night I tried as hard as I could to laugh and smile. Cracking jokes and acting as if I were enjoying my time. I saw as they laughed away, enjoying themselves in each others company...and I...I just stood there at the edge wishing I felt the same. As I stood there waiting for the next car to pass. I felt the cool autumn breeze spiral around my body, felt it as it stroked my face. I breathed it all in and let out a sigh. It felt so comforting: so good. It felt as if the cold embraced me. Time felt slow. I believe there was a small part of me deep down in the roots of my mind that still wished to live. That continued to fight. As much as I wanted to die, I wished to live. I know it sounds so contradicting and it was. I saw a car coming from afar down the road, I was calm. I had made my choice but in those few seconds many things filled my mind. I thought about my family. I wondered how they'd deal with my absence. How would they feel? Would they break? Would it bring them closer together? Would they finally open their minds and hearts, realize how much they'd been hurting each other? Truthfully my love for them would not stop me from taking my own life. Maybe over the years after so much hurt I had no longer loved them as much as I once had. Maybe I was so deep under that nothing could penetrate through to my heart. When you're so depressed it's hard to feel anything good, anything positive. You only see the negative side to everything. All you want is for it to end. Some believe it's selfish to take your live. They ask what of your family, your friends, the people who care about you, who love you? I can understand it does feel selfish, but once it takes over you completely it's extremely hard to escape from it. The world through your lens is no longer the same. The colorful world was what brought me sadness and pain. Darkness was the only thing that brought me relief. You would think that the color of life would make one feel better, but on the contrary any color only made me feel worse.  

My thoughts shifted to that of my little sister. What would she feel if I were gone? Would I break her heart? Who would be there for her once I were gone? Would I leave her alone? To suffer as I had. What if one day she'd end up like me? I couldn't abandon her as I felt my older sister had done to me. My family was always a troublesome family, my parents and my older sister....always so many problems. I couldn't leave my little sister to have to deal with their problems. She was far too little. So in the moment I changed my mind. I stepped back and went back to my friends. It happened in a matter of seconds maybe a minute. The thoughts raced through my mind. I managed to find a reason to continue with life. My beloved little sister was what kept me alive. She became my sole and only reason to continue living. 

Truthfully I really wanted to take my life. I believe my little sister has always been the reason why somewhere deep down I wanted to continue living. I could have taken my life any time, there were many different ways that would certainly lead to my death, but I never tried til that Halloween night. Even then getting hit by a car didn't guarantee my death. I could have possibly just broken some bones and end up in excruciating pain. The worse (maybe) end up paralyzed. Life after that day didn't get any better. I continued the same. All I wished day by day was for death to come knock at my door. We all die at a certain time and I just wanted for my time to reach up to me sooner. When death wouldn't come, I started wishing to no longer feel. To shut out emotions, shut out my heart. Til one day my wish came true. No anguish, but also no joy. During that time I thought I had reached complete bliss, but what a fool I was. There was nothing, my heart had gone hollow (that's for another post). 

It's been years since then and I have changed, but lately I fear I may fall once again.