Observer

Do you ever feel like nothing more than a spectator? Observing life. I've felt like this most of my life.Truth be told I have always liked to observe people. It felt nice sitting there quietly in peace and looking at the world around me. I was content. This became a habit at a very young age. I'd observe people's body language, the way they spoke, the way they reacted to situations. I used to keep files of people in my head. They were full of information. My mind was like a sponge, it sucked in any and every information available of the people that surrounded me. This was fun at first. It felt more like a gift: I was able to help those around me, able to choose carefully my friends. I regarded it as a gift, until the day came where It felt more like a curse. It wasn't only an ability that I gained but I was also very empathetic. My empathy allowed me to feel what they felt. I never really thought about these things when I was small/younger, it just was. It wasn't until it started becoming more of a problem that I started to question what I was able to feel and see in others.

Quite frankly it sucked. I mean yeah I loved it and I always loved helping people. Seeing others happy brought me happiness, at first. This somehow also tied in to my depression. Just the other day I was speaking of this to a close friend of mine and I said "I cared too much about people" and she pointed at me with wide eyes and a big smile. She had this "Aha!" expression like I'd finally realized what my problem was. Yes, one thing I've learned is that there can be such a thing as caring too much about the people you love. I've known this all along but I just could never ignore people. Couldn't ignore when I saw people suffering. I didn't understand how people could be so oblivious to another persons feelings, emotions and problems. It was always so apparent to me that it actually brought sadness to me. Those persons feelings somehow would transfer to me.

It was hard for me to accept a persons suffering. I always wanted to change their view, to let them see that life, the world can be beautiful. That there is more to life than what they were going through in that moment. I could not give up and just let those people live in the dark. It wasn't in my nature to ignore the suffering, to give up. Then one day it hit me hard, I realized that it isn't possible to change every one's mind. Can't change their heart. Sometimes you just can't change people. As much as you want to help, you can't help those who don't want to help themselves. I guess you can say I felt like a failure. This even ended one of my closest friendships. Yes it really did, because I was not one to ignore problems. I was never one to live in an illusion. I know so many people who rather ignore problems than actually face them. Ignorance is bliss. I wasn't one to just sit back and see as my friend self destructed. 

This is something that did weigh heavy on me. Imagine being able to see through a veil that not many seem to be able to see or they choose not to see. I don't blame them. Being capable of seeing through people. Through lies, to be able to see the truth. To see what people hide underneath, to look into their eyes and see into them.To know their secrets, their fears, their weaknesses. To see their true kindness or cruelty. Sometimes it's as if those things searched me out. I didn't go looking for it but somehow the truth always found it's way to me. That is how it felt and it became too much for me. Some choose to deceive themselves turn a blind eye, but I couldn't, as much as I really wanted to sometimes. Like I said I don't blame these people, because sometimes helping another means sacrificing.  It'd bear it's claws into my mind, into my heart and soul. It would affect me on such a mental and emotional level. It made me sad, depressed, it made me hurt and cry, but it also gave me courage, motivation, and strength. To stand up for the things I believed in, to do something, to help. 

For this reason I've always had trouble connecting with people. When I was a child I wished I could ignore the things I saw. Ignore my feelings towards certain situations, be happy, be like other people my age and just enjoy life. The feeling was strange, at age 12 I didn't feel like a kid. The things that bore into my mind weren't things a child should have to think about let alone deal with. I wanted to be like many other kids, oblivious to the world's cruelties, and just enjoy life as a kid. Sadly that never happened, but I learned to live with it, to work my way around it and find peace. I came to see that I had a hard time letting go. Whatever you want to call it, this "gift" I didn't know how to control it, didn't know when to let go, when to switch it off. I would involve my self and invest too much of my time on others that I would never focus on me. Their own issues and feelings would become a part of me. I would ignore my own feelings, my problems. Maybe I was just trying to escape what I was going through by focusing on other people's problems.  

When I was a kid I used to think I could change minds, change lives, change the world. I had big dreams and was full of confidence and strength. Maybe they were a child's dreams but looking back I miss that part of me. I lost that part of me when reality came knocking. When I managed to find my way back to myself after numbing out any feelings and emotions I had lost that part of me. Now that I am no longer that child slowly I feel myself gaining back that whom I once was, but a better me. A me who has control of her emotions and feelings. The me who has grown and learned. Who has also gained new knowledge.