Learning To Let Go

I didn't need to hear your words to know the truth, all I had to do was look into those eyes filled with love, love that was not meant for me. Those emotions I felt go through me. I don’t hold regret or hatred just new knowledge, understanding, and appreciation. It is not easy letting go, but after time, you learn it just means your journey has not yet ended.

Past Love

As long as I have lived thus far, I have been in love with three different people. Some people believe they will find that soul mate whom they'll forever remain, or believe their love will never extinguish. I'm not saying it's impossible but sometimes things begin and end, there is nothing you can do about it. It doesn't mean those feelings were false to begin with. 

I met her through another friend. Slowly, but surely she was all that filled my mind. No matter what I did she occupied my every thought. I couldn't stand it, the aching of my heart knowing that my love for her would never be returned. After two years of torment, I was finally able to get her out of mind, and after two long years she asked me out. Even though deep down I knew I no longer held such deep emotions for her as I once did, I agreed to start a relationship with her. 

After spending time with her some emotions in me started stirring up. No matter, in the end our relationship never worked out. It was doom to fail from the very beginning. I started noticing her eyes were filled with love, but love that was not meant for me.  I confronted her about it, but she denied it time after time. She herself didn't understand her own feelings for him. When I would see her around him her every move and expression always spoke otherwise. You can't hide what your heart desires. 

We eventually walked our different paths. Never once did I even kiss her. Why? That is because I knew deep down those feeling I once held for her had gone. I knew that no matter what she said, she had grown feelings for another person. I was trying to force something that had no direction to begin with. 

Love That Could Have Been

It was something that could have been, but never was, and never will be. Back then how I wished you would have spoken those words. It would have opened my mind to a whole other world, a world with you by my side. Sadly those words would no longer mean anything to my heart. A heart that feels no more, a heart that would not understand those smiles, those beautiful eyes, and that big heart of yours.This is someone who I was deeply in love with. Someone who brought light to my dim world. One of my regrets. She would have changed so much.

It really is sad. I had not spoken to her in over two years, when I finally saw her I couldn't say the words I wanted to. I wanted to tell her how much she had meant to me. When I met her in high school I could tell she was very troubled. The way she spoke of certain things, with such melancholia. Such sad eyes she had. Everyday I'd wait for her in front of school and tell her how beautiful she was. I'd hug her like it was the last time I would, and walk her to class, or at least I tried everyday. Towards our last year of high school she dramatically changed. Her inner, and outer self. I did not understand. A part me knows I could have changed the direction she chose to take, but I was such a coward, unable to express how I felt for her. I knew she felt the same, but fear held me back. Fear of rejection. 

At first I did not understand why the sudden change, but then I realized what caused it. Maybe I should have done more. After meeting her again 2 years later, and her telling me her misfortunes, I couldn't help but feel that sadness in her heart. It was as if she was telling me these things in hope that I would notice her pleas for help. I did notice, but I said nothing, once again the words all in my head ready, but not coming out of my mouth. All I could hear was that war within my head fighting back telling me to speak up. 

A part of me could tell she was also a little uncertain of the love she had for me. She might have only  loved me because I would do so much for her. She could have been confusing it with being in love, and that was something I feared. Towards our last year of high school she started a relationship with someone, It was obvious she felt nothing for him. She even remarked it to me, it was as if she were wanted me to speak up, to stop her and tell her how much she meant to me. I did nothing. I looked out as she walked towards him. Part of me filled with so much regret. 

I can't believe after 2 years I finally saw her again, and I was so cold towards her. Maybe a part of me was afraid to get close to her once again, afraid of finding out what she felt during those last times we saw each other. Now that I have gathered up the courage I have no way of contacting her.