Observer

Do you ever feel like nothing more than a spectator? Observing life. I've felt like this most of my life.Truth be told I have always liked to observe people. It felt nice sitting there quietly in peace and looking at the world around me. I was content. This became a habit at a very young age. I'd observe people's body language, the way they spoke, the way they reacted to situations. I used to keep files of people in my head. They were full of information. My mind was like a sponge, it sucked in any and every information available of the people that surrounded me. This was fun at first. It felt more like a gift: I was able to help those around me, able to choose carefully my friends. I regarded it as a gift, until the day came where It felt more like a curse. It wasn't only an ability that I gained but I was also very empathetic. My empathy allowed me to feel what they felt. I never really thought about these things when I was small/younger, it just was. It wasn't until it started becoming more of a problem that I started to question what I was able to feel and see in others.

Quite frankly it sucked. I mean yeah I loved it and I always loved helping people. Seeing others happy brought me happiness, at first. This somehow also tied in to my depression. Just the other day I was speaking of this to a close friend of mine and I said "I cared too much about people" and she pointed at me with wide eyes and a big smile. She had this "Aha!" expression like I'd finally realized what my problem was. Yes, one thing I've learned is that there can be such a thing as caring too much about the people you love. I've known this all along but I just could never ignore people. Couldn't ignore when I saw people suffering. I didn't understand how people could be so oblivious to another persons feelings, emotions and problems. It was always so apparent to me that it actually brought sadness to me. Those persons feelings somehow would transfer to me.

It was hard for me to accept a persons suffering. I always wanted to change their view, to let them see that life, the world can be beautiful. That there is more to life than what they were going through in that moment. I could not give up and just let those people live in the dark. It wasn't in my nature to ignore the suffering, to give up. Then one day it hit me hard, I realized that it isn't possible to change every one's mind. Can't change their heart. Sometimes you just can't change people. As much as you want to help, you can't help those who don't want to help themselves. I guess you can say I felt like a failure. This even ended one of my closest friendships. Yes it really did, because I was not one to ignore problems. I was never one to live in an illusion. I know so many people who rather ignore problems than actually face them. Ignorance is bliss. I wasn't one to just sit back and see as my friend self destructed. 

This is something that did weigh heavy on me. Imagine being able to see through a veil that not many seem to be able to see or they choose not to see. I don't blame them. Being capable of seeing through people. Through lies, to be able to see the truth. To see what people hide underneath, to look into their eyes and see into them.To know their secrets, their fears, their weaknesses. To see their true kindness or cruelty. Sometimes it's as if those things searched me out. I didn't go looking for it but somehow the truth always found it's way to me. That is how it felt and it became too much for me. Some choose to deceive themselves turn a blind eye, but I couldn't, as much as I really wanted to sometimes. Like I said I don't blame these people, because sometimes helping another means sacrificing.  It'd bear it's claws into my mind, into my heart and soul. It would affect me on such a mental and emotional level. It made me sad, depressed, it made me hurt and cry, but it also gave me courage, motivation, and strength. To stand up for the things I believed in, to do something, to help. 

For this reason I've always had trouble connecting with people. When I was a child I wished I could ignore the things I saw. Ignore my feelings towards certain situations, be happy, be like other people my age and just enjoy life. The feeling was strange, at age 12 I didn't feel like a kid. The things that bore into my mind weren't things a child should have to think about let alone deal with. I wanted to be like many other kids, oblivious to the world's cruelties, and just enjoy life as a kid. Sadly that never happened, but I learned to live with it, to work my way around it and find peace. I came to see that I had a hard time letting go. Whatever you want to call it, this "gift" I didn't know how to control it, didn't know when to let go, when to switch it off. I would involve my self and invest too much of my time on others that I would never focus on me. Their own issues and feelings would become a part of me. I would ignore my own feelings, my problems. Maybe I was just trying to escape what I was going through by focusing on other people's problems.  

When I was a kid I used to think I could change minds, change lives, change the world. I had big dreams and was full of confidence and strength. Maybe they were a child's dreams but looking back I miss that part of me. I lost that part of me when reality came knocking. When I managed to find my way back to myself after numbing out any feelings and emotions I had lost that part of me. Now that I am no longer that child slowly I feel myself gaining back that whom I once was, but a better me. A me who has control of her emotions and feelings. The me who has grown and learned. Who has also gained new knowledge. 

Depression and Suicide

I'm not sure how terrible it was, but I'm guessing pretty bad if I saw death as the only way out. It slowly crept onto me til it overshadowed my mind. Everyday was a struggle to get up and go about daily life. Most of the time I wanted nothing more than to keep my eyes closed and stay in a never ending darkness.  That was the only time I felt at peace. The only place my senses were turned off. I didn't have to see, hear, feel, or think. The closest I could get to death itself. It got to the point where I felt no joy from anything. No longer did anything keep my interest. My passions, my interests, my life all left on the side. Then it just kept getting worse. I never wanted to get out of bed, to open my eyes and wake onto the world outside my dreams. I'd go to school come home and sleep, wake up, go to school, come home and sleep. So repetitive, day by day. Interaction with my family wouldn't happen often. I mostly spent it sleeping, sometimes not even eating and just sleeping. Waking up only when morning came to go to school. My family knew something was wrong with me, it was pretty obvious. They would sometimes ask me what was wrong but I always said "I'm OK" "I'm fine" "Nothings wrong". I didn't want to speak of it, I wanted no one to bother me. My family irritated me. All I wanted was to be left alone. I don't remember how long it went on but then one night I could no longer continue and chose to take my life. 

I remember standing at the edge of the sidewalk, rocking back and forth. My decision had been made, choice of death was to jump in front of moving car.  It was Halloween night, I was walking with my friends down the streets. I had thrown a small gathering for only my closest friends. I doubt they noticed anything was wrong. That whole night I tried as hard as I could to laugh and smile. Cracking jokes and acting as if I were enjoying my time. I saw as they laughed away, enjoying themselves in each others company...and I...I just stood there at the edge wishing I felt the same. As I stood there waiting for the next car to pass. I felt the cool autumn breeze spiral around my body, felt it as it stroked my face. I breathed it all in and let out a sigh. It felt so comforting: so good. It felt as if the cold embraced me. Time felt slow. I believe there was a small part of me deep down in the roots of my mind that still wished to live. That continued to fight. As much as I wanted to die, I wished to live. I know it sounds so contradicting and it was. I saw a car coming from afar down the road, I was calm. I had made my choice but in those few seconds many things filled my mind. I thought about my family. I wondered how they'd deal with my absence. How would they feel? Would they break? Would it bring them closer together? Would they finally open their minds and hearts, realize how much they'd been hurting each other? Truthfully my love for them would not stop me from taking my own life. Maybe over the years after so much hurt I had no longer loved them as much as I once had. Maybe I was so deep under that nothing could penetrate through to my heart. When you're so depressed it's hard to feel anything good, anything positive. You only see the negative side to everything. All you want is for it to end. Some believe it's selfish to take your live. They ask what of your family, your friends, the people who care about you, who love you? I can understand it does feel selfish, but once it takes over you completely it's extremely hard to escape from it. The world through your lens is no longer the same. The colorful world was what brought me sadness and pain. Darkness was the only thing that brought me relief. You would think that the color of life would make one feel better, but on the contrary any color only made me feel worse.  

My thoughts shifted to that of my little sister. What would she feel if I were gone? Would I break her heart? Who would be there for her once I were gone? Would I leave her alone? To suffer as I had. What if one day she'd end up like me? I couldn't abandon her as I felt my older sister had done to me. My family was always a troublesome family, my parents and my older sister....always so many problems. I couldn't leave my little sister to have to deal with their problems. She was far too little. So in the moment I changed my mind. I stepped back and went back to my friends. It happened in a matter of seconds maybe a minute. The thoughts raced through my mind. I managed to find a reason to continue with life. My beloved little sister was what kept me alive. She became my sole and only reason to continue living. 

Truthfully I really wanted to take my life. I believe my little sister has always been the reason why somewhere deep down I wanted to continue living. I could have taken my life any time, there were many different ways that would certainly lead to my death, but I never tried til that Halloween night. Even then getting hit by a car didn't guarantee my death. I could have possibly just broken some bones and end up in excruciating pain. The worse (maybe) end up paralyzed. Life after that day didn't get any better. I continued the same. All I wished day by day was for death to come knock at my door. We all die at a certain time and I just wanted for my time to reach up to me sooner. When death wouldn't come, I started wishing to no longer feel. To shut out emotions, shut out my heart. Til one day my wish came true. No anguish, but also no joy. During that time I thought I had reached complete bliss, but what a fool I was. There was nothing, my heart had gone hollow (that's for another post). 

It's been years since then and I have changed, but lately I fear I may fall once again. 

Darkness

When do I not lay there, daydreaming away my fears. When I was younger 15-17 years old, every time my family would be away, I'd turn off all the lights from our home and lay on the floor in complete blackness. Listening away to music. Alone, engulfed by darkness, there was something so peaceful about it. My mind, my heart and soul felt so at ease during those moments. 

Overcoming My Childhood Experiences

Often times I find myself remembering the past. I think about the life I lived, and how I lived it. Those experiences that morphed me into the person that stands here today. As much as I wanted to believe that what I experienced growing up did not define who I was today, deep down I knew it not to be true. The sad reality is that what we go through, what we experience growing up does have an affect on us. For reasons I won't state right now, I experience a few difficulties in my life. At least I believe them to be few. I wanted so badly to believe that the problems I face now were not because of past experiences. I wanted to believe I was above them, that I had control over the person I was. Control of my feelings, my actions, my thoughts. There are things that lurk deeper in my mind that I'm yet to confront. Maybe some day I'll speak of them, because if I've learned anything it's that suppressing thoughts and feelings without speaking of them only make the problem worse. This is why I love keeping track of my thoughts, call me crazy but having conversations with myself help. It truly does help me resolve many of my inner conflicts. I have overcame many over the course of 4 years. Sometimes you wish things would progress much quicker, but I've learned not to be too harsh on myself and take things slow.I would repeat to myself "I could die today or tomorrow, my death can come any day. Is this how I want to live my life? Is this who I truly am?"The way I came to see it, is that happiness is a state of mind not a goal. I changed my outlook, the way I perceived life and experiences, found my resolve. This isn't something you can change from one day to the next, it takes time. I always accepted myself but I couldn't accept that who I was, was based on past experiences. I changed that which would interfere with my life. I accepted parts of myself I knew that could never change. Then there were those pieces of myself which I saw no need to change. Pieces that were a big part of who I was, things that were natural to me.Sometimes we question things we already contain the answers to. I know I'm always questioning myself. 

I'm aware this doesn't apply for everybody, some people may not be as affected and some may not even be aware that their internal self was impacted at all. I've come to accept that who I am may be a product of the things I had to deal with as a child. They may have greatly affect my choices, my personality, my internal self but I also have a say on who I am. I have the ability to choose. At least to some extent I get to choose for myself, I have the power to change. 

Change

I dealt with depression for a very long time. Well maybe not so long but 4 years easily felt like 10. I'm glad I managed to get past it. Or so that's what I tell myself and hope to be true. One things for sure, my new found happiness certainly feels very real. I've been able to look at life positively even when faced with very negative experiences and happenings in my life. It's something I never knew I'd be capable of. For the past 3 years my life has changed dramatically - even when not much has changed - because most of the change happened within me. It truly is wonderful. 

We All Are Puzzles

 Often times we try try fit each other or ourselves into a box. How can we, if we are not one piece but many pieces. A puzzle contains all these pieces and when brought together as a whole creates an image. Each and every piece represents a part of ourselves, and together creates the human we are. 

Idea of love

 So many people want to love and be loved. Love can be beautifully painful sometimes. I've been in love. So in love with a person it was painful. Painful they didn't return that love. It's only a wonderful thing when that whom you love, loves you in return. Why do we love the person we love? What about them do we desire? Why do we wish for them to return that love? Why does it make our hearts race when we're near them, when we lay our eyes on them, when we hear their voice or feel their touch. 

I feel like I'm always running around in circles when it comes to love. I've been in love, but the people I've loved have never been in love with me, and the people that love me, I don't love. Unrequited love, never ending! 

I don't need it, I don't pursue it. There never really has been that strong desire within me for affection or companionship. Most of my life I've been a very solitary person. Being alone just feels so blissful. Even though being in a relationship with the one you are in love with is such a wonderful experience, I don't fear not finding someone who I can share that connection with. 

There's a part of me that doesn't understand why some people seek love so desperately. Why do they need to cling on to a person and depend on them for happiness? Why do they need constant love and affection? Even when the person they love doesn't express those feelings, or treats them so harshly. I've witnessed people I care about suffer so much in the hands of the person who claims to love them. It can be very frustrating, you wish they had the willpower to move on. Do they not realize it's no longer love?

I Have Changed

I was just reading through my blog since I haven't been to it in a while. In one of my posts I said that to cease to exist after death is what I'd prefer. After so many years of suffering all you wish at a certain point is for everything to stop. To stop your emotions, your thoughts, to stop feeling. You want nothing more than to finally rest, to fall into a sleep without dreams or fantasies. From that time to now I have changed. 

Dreary But Not Joyless

I had stopped blogging for quite a while and I didn't believe I'd return. My thoughts on here may sound dreary and joyless but life can sometimes be as such. It does not mean my life in no way is not full of joy. Truthfully I don't think I have ever felt such happiness as I have these past two years even with all that goes on around me. It really does depend on how you perceive the world around you. Your reaction to the action sort to speak. I've had my fare share of struggles in my life so far, just as any other person. Even now I struggle but with a new outlook on life. One that keeps me motivated and going. 

Normality

Normality can easily break. With just a few spoken words the world before our eyes can fall apart. All our efforts to maintain what we have obtained can easily come undone. Everyday we strive for normality, we try so hard to keep the world around us intact. Sometimes going as far as to close or minds and hearts. Fearing loss of control. The words we wield, the power to control. To create or break. 

We see the world before us as it twists and turns.