“...because I rant not, neither rave of what I feel, can you be so shallow as to dream that I feel nothing? ” ― R.D. Blackmore, Lorna Doone: A Romance of Exmoor
I've posted that quote on "The Life of an Introvert" post but I didn't really explain what that meant to me.
Throughout these 2o years I've never spoken about what lies underneath my skin and bones, meaning my heart, and mind. Yes I like keeping to myself, I'm private about my affairs and life in general. My life not in blogger. I don't speak of my troubles, my love, my happiness, my life and because of that I was marked as a monster. Cold hearted, emotionless, incapable of understanding human emotions. This is no joke. Just recently my friend said "I know you have some feelings!" and I replied with "Haha, You know I'm human right?". I think the people around me perceive me as emotionless. Not all but some of them seem to think they can use me, say or do things, and I will not be hurt by it. They believe they can dump their issues on me, thinking I don't have my own troubles. Don't get me wrong I care and I listen, but I do not appreciate when they only contact me for that sole reason.
It has always been hard expressing myself. When I'm happy, I do not smile. I have a very serious face, what do they expect? I was born that way, I got my mom and dad to thank. Expressing myself in the surface is like trying to hammer a nail through thick metal. I feel emotions within, but they don't show in the exterior, so people around me assumed I didn't care. They even thought I was depressed once (even though I was for a period of time). My friend, and her boyfriend once asked me if I was sad, because I always had frown. I chuckled and assured them I was born with such a face. Now wouldn't I be good for poker?
Part of me always wished they would understand. Not all of us express ourselves in the same manner. What I came to understand was that you are always expected to react to things in a certain manner. It is socially expected. If you are given good news then of course it is only expected for you to jump in excitement. What kind of person stands there arms crossed with such a serious face? I react with thoughts. I guess I can't completely blame them either can I? I am sort of robotic. Sometimes even my movements, my gestures, or manners are stiff, and robotic. With a face that emits "I want to murder you". Of course I'm not actually thinking that.
My sister has countless, numerous times told me her "love" stories, and her problems. For her it is completely natural. She cries when she's hurt, she jumps when she's excited, she smiles when she's happy and once in a while she will throw something in anger. You can say she's very animated. She does not hold back, she is easily capable of expressing herself. Those things do not come to me naturally, they are usually forced. Yes sometimes I have to force such expressions outwardly in order for those around me not to get the wrong idea. It's very mentally tiresome. I express myself in silence.
Once my sister, and I got into an argument when I had an opinion in one of her "love" stories. She told me I did not understand what love was. I do not rant to her of my joys and sorrows, because of that she thought I had never experienced what it meant to be in love. I just never had a need to share my inner experiences with others.
It has always been about acceptance, not from strangers, but those closest to me. Not of my exterior but my interior. Though in the end I change for no one. They can accept me as I come, or they can say their farewells.
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