How Do You Define Living?

What does it mean to live? What does it mean to live your life? There is no right or wrong answer. We all live differently, experience, learn, and understand in our own unique way.

Caught Inbetween

Things seemed so easy and painless. In the end, I couldn't run away from what I didn't want to be. It overwhelmed me, darkened my heart and my mind. I let it consume me and turn me to what I most hated in others. 

Unable to sleep or stay awake, in between, caught in a limbo. I just want to break free. Down in hell or up in heaven, caught in between. My color is neither black nor white could it be gray?

People are fragile things I learned that long ago yet I speak with such cruel words. Maybe because the truth is cruel.

Alter Ego

As I stood there mouth opening and closing, words coming out one by one just not the words I wanted to speak. Mean while chaos had broken out in my mind. A war had started. This civil war within my head, feels like an eternity. Contradictions, disagreements, unspoken words, all raging up in my head. Up and down they go, running in this labyrinth called my mind. Who am I? I am you, and you are me. We are, but two within these walls.


It started 3 years ago. I'm aware why it emerged, and what caused it. What I wrote above pretty much describes what I feel when faced with certain situations.  is the heartless, part of me. We are the polar opposites. What I sometimes fear is how heartless she can be. It is also my defense mechanism. There came a time in my life when I was afraid of the cold hearted person I was becoming. I had turned into someone who had forgotten and left behind their values, their beliefs, what they once stood up for, and strived for. My friends noticed that I was no longer the kind person they had once met and brought them together. I had become a stranger to them, and to myself. I realized this when I saw her eyes, her eyes told me everything that she could not say. Those eyes were not looking at me, but a stranger within me. That is when I made the decision to separate both parts of me. The one who I used to be and the one who I had become. Truthfully it took me a year to get the other part of me back, it proved very difficult.

Running From Reality

Sometimes we go into our imaginary worlds. We corrupt ourselves wishing to escape reality, our family, friends, rejecting our own life. Turning our backs...

Escaping Loneliness

Loneliness, so many people out there fear it like it's a disease that can kill you. They wander day and night avoiding it. Running away, seeking reassurance. They may not notice it themselves. Part of their hearts wishing to love and be loved. "Why?" I ask myself. "Why don't I feel what they feel?".

Fading

Do you ever feel that sadness in your heart? This aching deep fear? As if everything you are, everything that makes you, you, is sinking into this never ending darkness. Slowly disappearing into nothingness. Your senses slowly fading, your mind losing control, going numb and desolate.


In my hand I hold this light. A light so soft, so bright, so warm and kind, a light that can no longer be restored to it's original form. It can only be grasped in my hands. Can only be sensed with touch, looked upon with sad eyes at it's beauty. Sad eyes that know it can no longer be felt from within.

Love Is Not Love Without Accepetance

What does it mean to live? When someone tells you to start living your life?
You said I was not living life. You said that sometime in the future I would regret not living life
Why do these people surround me? Time after time I've been told I'm cold and unloving, yet they tell me they love me. Why do you say that? Can't you see how cruel....you are? You tell me you love me, yet you don't accept me. You tell me you love me, yet you don't try to understand me. You tell me you love me, yet you try to change me. You know, I accept who I am. I know, I may be what you say I am, no regrets no denial, but I have never hated you. I have never rejected you. I have accepted who you are. I try to comprehend your actions and your thoughts. I do not judge yet is it not enough?

Distant

There are times when I look back up onto the world and I get this empty feeling. My heart sinks, my mind turns blank, reality seems so distant and unreal. What do I want from this life? What do I wish for?

Spirals

There is always so much in my head. Sometimes it causes stress and anxiety. Often times I feel like I'm losing my mind, unable to do anything about it. As I stare at the walls they seem as if though they were closing me in tightly, making me lose my breath. Unable to grasp for air the walls start to move in spirals, I panic and close my eyes hoping it will reside when I open them.

Passing Strangers

Have you ever passed a stranger and wondered where they were headed? What their life is like? Wondered about who they were?  Not an attraction, but just curiosity for a total stranger. Passing by in their car, walking past you on the street, sitting next to them on the train, anywhere. Sometimes we pass each other without a second glance. So many whys, and who's that may never be answered.

Lonely Strangers

I've come to realize how many lonely people occupy the world. I've had strangers come up to me and speak about their lives, their pain, experiences, sadness, betrayals etc. I mean they practically tell me their life story. These strangers have no one to confide in so they seek another human soul to connect with and understand them. Sometimes they seek a stranger, because they know a stranger will not judge or hate. I can understand them in a way.

Sometimes I wonder why I attract such people. I have all my life. Maybe they see in me a part of themselves. An invisible connection that can only be felt from within. Last time as I sat there with my friend dining at this restaurant there was an old lady sitting next to us. As soon as I turned to glance at her our eyes connected and she started speaking to me. She went on for what seemed like an eternity. I didn't get to enjoy my time, but I just couldn't cut her off. There was something sad about her, something lonely and desperate. 

If I can, I'd like to give these people at least that moment of relief. I'll listen to them, and give them that freedom they so very need.

Beneath Those Smiles

When I hear your laughs, when I see you smile, I start to wonder what you hold inside. What do you hide beneath them? Why won't you talk to me? Why won't you tell me? Why can't you tell me? What's so different? There are things I may never come to understand. 

Slipping Through The Cracks Of Time

It feels like time for me has ceased. I remain here, unchanged, unperceived, slipping through the cracks of time. Like looking through a tv screen, on the other side the world which I no longer belong to. Everyone moving in fast motion, ever changing and growing. I'm afraid time is slipping through my fingers. Time that can no longer be obtained. 

Do you ever feel as such? Often times I find myself thinking of all the possibilities, and directions I can go in. I dwell on it to the point where I don't move in either direction. 

Without Expression But Not Without Thought

“...because I rant not, neither rave of what I feel, can you be so shallow as to dream that I feel nothing? ” ― R.D. Blackmore, Lorna Doone: A Romance of Exmoor

I've posted that quote on "The Life of an Introvert" post but I didn't really explain what that meant to me. 


Throughout these 2o years I've never spoken about what lies underneath my skin and bones, meaning my heart, and mind. Yes I like keeping to myself, I'm private about my affairs and life in general. My life not in blogger. I don't speak of my troubles, my love, my happiness, my life and because of that I was marked as a monster. Cold hearted, emotionless, incapable of understanding human emotions. This is no joke. Just recently my friend said "I know you have some feelings!" and I replied with "Haha, You know I'm human right?". I think the people around me perceive me as emotionless. Not all but some of them seem to think they can use me, say or do things, and I will not be hurt by it. They believe they can dump their issues on me, thinking I don't have my own troubles. Don't get me wrong I care and I listen, but I do not appreciate when they only contact me for that sole reason.

It has always been hard expressing myself. When I'm happy, I do not smile. I have a very serious face, what do they expect? I was born that way, I got my mom and dad to thank. Expressing myself in the surface is like trying to hammer a nail through thick metal. I feel emotions within, but they don't show in the exterior, so people around me assumed I didn't care. They even thought I was depressed once (even though I was for a period of time). My friend, and her boyfriend once asked me if I was sad, because I always had frown. I chuckled and assured them I was born with such a face. Now wouldn't I be good for poker?

Part of me always wished they would understand. Not all of us express ourselves in the same manner. What I came to understand was that you are always expected to react to things in a certain manner. It is socially expected. If you are given good news then of course it is only expected for you to jump in excitement. What kind of person stands there arms crossed with such a serious face? I react with thoughts. I guess I can't completely blame them either can I? I am sort of robotic. Sometimes even my movements, my gestures, or manners are stiff, and robotic. With a face that emits "I want to murder you". Of course I'm not actually thinking that.

My sister has countless, numerous times told me her "love" stories, and her problems. For her it is completely natural. She cries when she's hurt, she jumps when she's excited, she smiles when she's happy and once in a while she will throw something in anger. You can say she's very animated. She does not hold back, she is easily capable of expressing herself. Those things do not come to me naturally, they are usually forced. Yes sometimes I have to force such expressions outwardly in order for those around me not to get the wrong idea. It's very mentally tiresome. I express myself in silence. 

Once my sister, and I got into an argument when I had an opinion in one of her "love" stories. She told me I did not understand what love was. I do not rant to her of my joys and sorrows, because of that she thought I had never experienced what it meant to be in love. I just never had a need to share my inner experiences with others. 

It has always been about acceptance, not from strangers, but those closest to me. Not of my exterior but my interior. Though in the end I change for no one. They can accept me as I come, or they can say their farewells. 

Small But Signification

With so many great things in the world we forget the small things, deeming them insignificant. We forget how very important they are in our everyday lives. Things so small, we take no notice in them. Stepping over them, and leaving them behind. We walk past without a second glance. Will we only notice them when they have disappeared? 

Sometimes I like to sit next to the window and look out onto the world. I look out to the trees, the grass, listen to the birds, look up to the sea in the sky and it brings such peace to me. Even listening to the wind just brings even a small ounce of happiness to my world.  Stopping, these moments helping me remember how beautiful the world can also be.  Now think about it. Think about every small thing as such. Every small little thing you do or come across. When you add them up you realize they amount to much of your happiness. I don't believe there is a destination to reach, a destination where you will finally feel complete bliss. We all have goals we wish to reach but let's take those as a bonus.

Everchanging

Why is it that every time you think you've finally found yourself, you lose yourself once more. It’s like a never ending cycle. In the end there really isn't a destination to reach. The past, the present, and our future will constantly morph and change us into something different. Something ever changing. We constantly evolve, we just never know if it will be something positive or negative. All I can do is let the flow of life take me along. 

Deafening Silence

Their silence is nothing but torture. Silence that is deafening to my ears.

Their silent screams echoing through my mind.  A mind, a body that can take no more.

Their perception that renounces all truth. A mind that deprives them of their voice.

A voice that has lost all will. 

Is it so wrong, to want to escape?

To want to be free?

To go into a sleep of never ending fantasy

Where reality is death

Mysterious New World

"The moment one gives close attention to any thing, even a blade of grass, it becomes a mysterious, awesome, indescribably magnificent world in itself.- Henry Miller"

Source

Do you ever find yourself staring at something, observing so closely  you're completely mesmerized by it? So lost in this new world you've just discovered, that everything around you seems out of focus? 

The Unexpected

We as humans are sometimes empty, so we fill that void in our soul with religion, drugs, alcohol, love, sex, anything self destructive or self growing,  as long as we don’t feel that emptiness.

Without reason without meaning you go on lying to yourself. Corrupting others, brainwashing them into thinking they are the same miserable human being as you. Spreading your disease unseen, to the unexpected, to the lost or unwanted. Confusing them into total chaos.

When Your Mind Is Your Enemy

I am a prisoner of my own mind. It is what keeps the cycle from coming to an end. A cycle I  seem to have no control over. Sometimes I'm afraid I will lose the battle against myself, within myself. 

The Life Of An Introvert

“...because I rant not, neither rave of what I feel, can you be so shallow as to dream that I feel nothing? ” 

― R.D. Blackmore, Lorna Doone: A Romance of Exmoor

In A World Of Lies

Suffocated. Living in a world of lies. Living without believing, the unseen, ignorant of the truth we are afraid to accept. Why do you run? Accepting only means you’re a step closer. Why do you step back? Do you wish to live in this black and white world of yours forever? In this wonderland where underneath lies the truth. Are you really happy with this synthetic life? I cannot go ignoring what I truly see. When you dwell deeper, you start to notice it is not as it seems. I can’t fake those smiles and those laughs, I am not like you. Why do you continue to live like this? Tolerating it, letting it slowly break you down. When underneath you are all screaming, screaming to be heard, screaming to be free, screaming for change, for happiness, to feel love, affection and understanding.

Windows To Your Soul

When I looked at her I felt this sudden stroke of sadness. It pierced me deeply, then went away. I know you are tired, I see your pain. Your eyes speak the truth, the windows to your soul. They speak to me what your voice wont say. 

Source

Down The Rabbit Hole Of Lies

Source

Sometimes we make the wrong choices thinking they are the right one. We believe there is no other way, no other choice, so we go into this “illusion”. We go further and further into the rabbit hole until we reach wonderland. Without knowledge and understanding of that world, we continue. The deeper you go, the farther you get from reality, and the truth. The lies that you create along the way thinking you have everyone fooled, laughing at their stupidity, thinking you are in control, when the true fool here, is you. Caught up in your own wonderland, the only one trapped there is you. Even so why do you continue? Why do you run from the truth? What are you so afraid of? Are you afraid to be left alone? To feel unwanted? To lose control?  You are not alone. All you need to do is let go. Let go of the fear that holds you back, let go and be free. Embrace the future. Things are meant to begin, and end. Don’t be sad, don’t be afraid let yourself be free.

Learning To Let Go

I didn't need to hear your words to know the truth, all I had to do was look into those eyes filled with love, love that was not meant for me. Those emotions I felt go through me. I don’t hold regret or hatred just new knowledge, understanding, and appreciation. It is not easy letting go, but after time, you learn it just means your journey has not yet ended.

Past Love

As long as I have lived thus far, I have been in love with three different people. Some people believe they will find that soul mate whom they'll forever remain, or believe their love will never extinguish. I'm not saying it's impossible but sometimes things begin and end, there is nothing you can do about it. It doesn't mean those feelings were false to begin with. 

I met her through another friend. Slowly, but surely she was all that filled my mind. No matter what I did she occupied my every thought. I couldn't stand it, the aching of my heart knowing that my love for her would never be returned. After two years of torment, I was finally able to get her out of mind, and after two long years she asked me out. Even though deep down I knew I no longer held such deep emotions for her as I once did, I agreed to start a relationship with her. 

After spending time with her some emotions in me started stirring up. No matter, in the end our relationship never worked out. It was doom to fail from the very beginning. I started noticing her eyes were filled with love, but love that was not meant for me.  I confronted her about it, but she denied it time after time. She herself didn't understand her own feelings for him. When I would see her around him her every move and expression always spoke otherwise. You can't hide what your heart desires. 

We eventually walked our different paths. Never once did I even kiss her. Why? That is because I knew deep down those feeling I once held for her had gone. I knew that no matter what she said, she had grown feelings for another person. I was trying to force something that had no direction to begin with. 

Love That Could Have Been

It was something that could have been, but never was, and never will be. Back then how I wished you would have spoken those words. It would have opened my mind to a whole other world, a world with you by my side. Sadly those words would no longer mean anything to my heart. A heart that feels no more, a heart that would not understand those smiles, those beautiful eyes, and that big heart of yours.This is someone who I was deeply in love with. Someone who brought light to my dim world. One of my regrets. She would have changed so much.

It really is sad. I had not spoken to her in over two years, when I finally saw her I couldn't say the words I wanted to. I wanted to tell her how much she had meant to me. When I met her in high school I could tell she was very troubled. The way she spoke of certain things, with such melancholia. Such sad eyes she had. Everyday I'd wait for her in front of school and tell her how beautiful she was. I'd hug her like it was the last time I would, and walk her to class, or at least I tried everyday. Towards our last year of high school she dramatically changed. Her inner, and outer self. I did not understand. A part me knows I could have changed the direction she chose to take, but I was such a coward, unable to express how I felt for her. I knew she felt the same, but fear held me back. Fear of rejection. 

At first I did not understand why the sudden change, but then I realized what caused it. Maybe I should have done more. After meeting her again 2 years later, and her telling me her misfortunes, I couldn't help but feel that sadness in her heart. It was as if she was telling me these things in hope that I would notice her pleas for help. I did notice, but I said nothing, once again the words all in my head ready, but not coming out of my mouth. All I could hear was that war within my head fighting back telling me to speak up. 

A part of me could tell she was also a little uncertain of the love she had for me. She might have only  loved me because I would do so much for her. She could have been confusing it with being in love, and that was something I feared. Towards our last year of high school she started a relationship with someone, It was obvious she felt nothing for him. She even remarked it to me, it was as if she were wanted me to speak up, to stop her and tell her how much she meant to me. I did nothing. I looked out as she walked towards him. Part of me filled with so much regret. 

I can't believe after 2 years I finally saw her again, and I was so cold towards her. Maybe a part of me was afraid to get close to her once again, afraid of finding out what she felt during those last times we saw each other. Now that I have gathered up the courage I have no way of contacting her.